What’s up fool,
How goes it?
It’s 3:30 in the morning right now and I can’t sleep because I’m too excited. I want to articulate this message as best as I can, but I’m having a hard time because I don’t fully understand it.
So I guess I’ll think out loud, and hopefully we can both work out the meaning.
For myself, it really started in my senior year of college- this is where I tasted what I wanted my life to be.
I didn’t know it at the time, but I was playing with the very fire I was made of: this was passion.
THEN I left.
Yeah, why? Because I was 18, cocky AF, and too full of myself to think the world didn’t bend to my will.
I left it all behind, initially it was to pursue that passion, but I got distracted, and I chased advertising.
You can only “fake it” so much. After a year and a half of “running on E” I returned, but I wasn’t the same. Having failed, in theory, I was accompanied by mania. I guess I didn’t realize that I was angry about what I’d done, or rather didn’t do. I cheated what I set out to do, with trendy ideas of success.
This left me with deep resentment, but as a hard-headed individual, I carried on.
I went through an aggressive trial phase- a sort of self apprenticeship, minus the learning. I spent time going through various “ideas” of what to do with my life- all of them grandiose and having nothing to do with what actually brought me joy.
I chased random “success” and so I never got it.
I did this for years, and in doing it, lost what made me come alive. I hit an all new low, and knew I needed to intervene. After years of sinking, I pulled myself out. I moved, made more bad decisions and hit an even lower low. #Lowrider
At this point, I started to wonder- is my superpower surviving underwater, because no matter how much I drowned- I couldn’t die.
For whatever reason, I never went out peacefully? Oh, I’m depressed? – Then read. Oh, I feel like shit? Then Play. I never stood still, movement became my answer.
This restlessness saved me.
At bottom, I returned again… jeez, how many times can you circle the same block? Idk. But here we go.
This time, it was barely different, but it was different enough.
I needed to write, I needed to understand why, what, and how- so I wrote. I had one rule- SHOW UP and write everyday.
And I did.
This dumb, small, seemingly insignifcant habit, led me to getting a career that suited me, which led me to refinding my passion from my youth, the one I tasted senior year.
It was always here and it was always this, but I kept biking around it, totally missing it.
Finally, after the 100th circle around, I saw it, and stopped there.
You know what you want, but you over-thought it, over-shot it, and overlook it regularly.
But it’s always there, waiting for you to pick it up.
Do what you have to, but don’t every stop moving.
#StayFoolish
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