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Choosing the right words when I can’t speak…

You’re like a shitty online dating site-

Sure, you’re attracted to what you see, but what you matched with won’t help you grow.

My grandma always had this saying, in english it would translate to, “Everyone would buy their own intelligence.”

A lot of us have poor relationships with ourselves, we’ve actually somehow made it to adulthood and never learned to take care solo-dolo.

Yeah, you know how to force-feed yourself with garbage, and distract yourself when you’re lonely, but actual self-care? Nahhh.

It’s corny.

I noticed when I’m around other people, I’m a full-of-myself individual, who doesn’t even blink in the face of obstacles. But when I’m alone, my inner monologue has a much different tone and I go from cocky CEO to depressive withdrawn artist.

I have crazy swings, from insane highs to just-above-breathing lows.

I’m delusional, because I think I can win at anything with less effort, less time, and less skill than anyone in any field. I take offense to things that don’t matter, compete and compare myself to others, and I’m a barely recovering control freak.

That said, I’d buy my own intelligence. Every time.

Even though it’s exhausting being me and I’m always tired of the upkeep.

It’s mentally draining, lonely, and recurring- but I love the f**ker too much.

The difference between me and the rest of you narcissists, I actually want to be better. I’m willing to change, and I’ll never stop pushing how much is possible despite the data revealing nurture to be statistically less than nature (for myself).

I read my old journals and CRINGE.

We’re not even talking years old. Like, last year…. even depressed, you believe in your legend.

You’d find me saying things like, “You’ve always been a master….” “Goddammit you’re too talented for this…” “Hey, I love you, but I hate you”

This is how I talk to myself.

It’s gross.

Why?

Because you think your special, and for a long time you wanted to be. Truth is, being special is an exhausting show, and I’m a retired actor #wontDOit.

I’m learning to change how I talk to myself.

None of that all-or-nothing shit, where you can’t take a joke, if someone says something sarcastic you take offense and cut them off, all because you’re some “Royal chosen one.”

You’re not special.

Being special means alone. It means no fulfilling relationships, friendships, maybe not even a career.

So choose your words careful, they shape your beliefs, which guide your actions.

It’s all so cheesy but true.

I’m now practicing practicality.

Anyways…… Ima go be with myself, because I need expert advice and this f**ker knows how to deliver wisdom.

#StayFoolish

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