Hey Fool.
The other day I took some time to reflect on how my life changed and how I got unstuck- I decided to share that here, maybe you’ll find meaning in it should you find yourself going through the same thing.
My quest started after I graduated high school.
I went to Cali. What drove that was me tasting “the good life”- I directed videos with friends senior year and believed that was it- my passion. So I moved there to become something (but I chased fame from directing rather than skill).
When I landed there, rather than write scripts and film my own projects, I instead sat around sending out forged resumes hoping to get calls. Spent cash doing nothing, chilling in a room all day and growing depressed, and occasionally took a small gig here and there.
This left me so disconnected and depressed from who I was, totally withdrawn- I returned home. Completely directionless, I re-enrolled in college. No real reason, I just didn’t want to feel like a loser. My next big idea was writing music. It looks like the parasitic thought that took hold of me was fame equals success and identity.
I hated song writing, but I kept doing it. Eventually, I got a job in sales (my first real job since graduating). I leaned away from fame, the path I was on was worthless to me.
Here, I allowed myself to open up to new ideas. Bounced from one sales job to the next, until I landed in some call center (which I hated) that would lead me to my next big idea. Same concept as fame, but now the aim was to become filthy rich as an entrepreneur.
Looks like I always chased being a type of success (publicly). Did you actually hustle? No. Just bought courses and played business, and hated it.
So, not so surprisingly I left that. After a very checkered job history, I was unemployed for long stretch. My depression worsened. I did nothing, stayed indoors and felt increasingly unfamiliar with myself. I half ass attempted some internet business ideas, but then left that cold.
Sinking more and more, my life became nothing but recycling air in my coffin. I stuck to a strict morning routine, and then did nothing the entire day. I hated myself, but was so ashamed, I felt I shouldn’t or couldn’t leave.
Now I was questioning everything, including the worth of my life. It got real bad. There was only one interception and this is what saved me.
Robert Greene’s war book.
I read the death ground strategy, and I knew i needed to move to shake myself out of this funk.
So, I did. I drove to Austin with a friend- broke AF. But we were already broke so it didn’t matter. It was here I reconnected to myself. I didn’t go there thinking I was going to return, or thinking I’d again be jobless but being there led to a therapeutic consultation and that was crucial.
That made me realize my spiritual struggle was nothing more than delusion. Realizing that, I asked the most important question- if chasing fantasy is my eternal struggle, what could I stick with, even if i didn’t love and do it myself?
I landed on writing– copywriting, and here we are. I went full circle from the bottom, to a full time copywriting role, which once in- strangely got me back into directing.
Right now, you’re still learning and this place has given you a taste of your OG purpose. So, fuck it. Let’s see where this all leads.
The pattern that my brain naturally falls for is delusion. A strange desire to retreat from life into fantasy and there, sink. Because I know my mind has this habit, I’ll combat it by constantly throwing myself into reality. All throw yourself out there.
I won’t f**k up my life by isolating myself or pulling myself from work. I suffer there. I’m delusional, paranoid, and deeply depressed when I’m not moving.
I need my hobbies, my career, my work.
You’re doing well, just keep going.
#StayFoolish