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Which part of it is a lie? What we believe, what we’re taught, or what we need to believe- in order to live? I don’t think any of it is “real” …. and think about this for a sec— one idea changes the life you live. Learning one idea, alters the entire genre of how you exist. A toxic positivity person, denies darkness. A toxic realist, denies magic. Both are true. Because life isn’t built on reality, it’s built on ideas. Ideas are something that start imaginary and by being fed continually, become real. That’s the lie that makes your life. So wouldn’t it be better to choose your lies wisely? 

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Years ago I had this dream, I followed this beautiful woman into these caves.

Her face was human, but her body was covered in black scales.

In the dream, I somehow knew she wanted to consume me— and part of me wanted that too, but I knew, even in the dream, I wouldn’t make it out if I let her.

So I escaped at the last second and woke up.

For years, I’d avoid the dark parts of my own psyche– I’d deny those parts of me. And the more I did that, the less control I had over it.

Eventually, I became only the body I lived as, but the person who lived in it wasn’t there. I was dead and didn’t know it.

So I wandered for years from thing to thing.

I thought it was career, or success, or maybe love, I didn’t know what I was looking for but eventually I ran into some good fortune and that led me back to her– right back into her cave.

When I started my writing career– that was deeply connected to who I am as an individual, so it lit a small candle in the void– that was enough to see direction.

The more I created and used skills tied to who I was as a person, the more strength that stranger gained, and without me being aware, that person finally took over.

And then I had to make a choice, let myself be eaten and see what emerges or live the rest of my life as an image– not living or dead.

I turned around and surrendered.

I walked right into the abyss.

And she took me.

When I died, something else was born– it was me but more than me, more than what I used to be.

I spent my whole life running from my own power, because I was afraid of ghosts.

But what haunts you only does so, because you’re unfamiliar. The truth is, it’s what you’re afraid of that holds everything you’re looking for.

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Pause your opinions and follow me for a sec.

Here’s something weird you’ll notice–

some people have a hard time getting / keeping a job.

some people have a hard time getting / keeping a relationship.

some people have a hard time getting / keeping good health.

But all people have THEIR own “hard time”

—Why tho?

Why is my hard time a big deal for me but easy for you?

Why is your hard time a big deal for you but easy for me?

KETU.

I’m white girl blaming astrology, but it wouldn’t matter what you call it– some say it’s karma, others say it’s God, idiots call it random, but labels don’t matter here.

The point is, your brand of chains only lock for you and there is a reason for that.

Listen to what I’m saying to you because I’ve never seen this not true.

You’re not supposed to escape prison, you’re supposed to DUE YOUR TIME.

Here’s why– I’ll use an example I’ve seen in “fictional” astrology.

But real quick, a definition- Ketu is your spiritual body, it’s what you know without knowing, what you come from. But it’s also what we’re cut from, where we’re removed, where our chains lock.

Ketu in the 4th house, might make someone cut from their roots, ancestry, family, HOME. This person will desire the opposite of what they’re cut from, career (because rahu- desires, is in the 10th house). They will think to keep chasing career, avoiding the thing they don’t give a shit about– home.

But the irony is, without their ketu, without due-ing their time, they won’t succeed.

Because they don’t have the powers they need in order to achieve the thing they desire.

If you want to be a writer, you need to write, but before that– you need a story worth telling. Well your story isn’t in your pursuit, it’s in your struggle, which for this person would be– in the HOME.

Sit in your prison and ask a different question:

This is my hard time– I’m always locked by this, so then, when I finally face it, WHAT IS IT TRYING TO TEACH ME?

answer that.

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The best part about being weird is you’re less likely to blend in. That means outsider treatment weirdo. And when you’re shunned from the world– you’re forced to learn about yours. You’re less likely to fall into the traps of others. You’re less likely to do a job that kills you for 50 years and yeah, this will also be the reason life is harder for you. But that means eventually the life you live is exactly made for you because others never let you into theirs. So when you feel left out keep in mind, there are things you pray to never be included. 

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Thank you for my suffering.

I didn’t believe in anything. But my suffering made me a believer. It made me a thinker. It forced me to learn about who I am when I have nothing, when I am NOTHING.

For a long time people couldn’t reach me, I wanted someone to come find me and pull me out. But they couldn’t reach deeper inside than I could, and I couldn’t. Life would be so easy if I could stop making this sacrifice.

I sacrifice job, relationships, money, and freedom, to return to my sentence. To cook myself in a room, and walk my circles of hell.

And what do I gain from my visits? My soul is renewed— Every. Single. Time.

It’s bad, it’s just as bad as they said it would be. It burns. I like pain, and still its nearly unbearable. But each time you endure it, you become something more than before.

And you become hotter than the flame they torched you with. And that heat becomes the pulse you measure your life by. I don’t know if it’ll ever end, but don’t assume the person they punish is the same person who wears the scars.

It never is.

You’re nothing without your storms. You’re nothing without enduring your suffering. That’s why you have it. That’s why it’s for you.

Will you accept the gift that is your suffering?

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You have to walk through each door, you can’t avoid the hallways and rooms if you expect to leave.

So how do you leave?

You have to face what’s in each room.

How you face it is up to you. Use whatever gives you courage. But wearing only your face – you have to face it.

Then when you face everything else, it won’t mask you. And when it can’t do that, hell can’t hold you.

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I cry for you. I blamed you for it. I couldn’t cry for me because I wouldn’t for you, but I cry for you. I’ve been so angry towards you, I made myself forget the truth i SAW, I experienced with u, because of what others explained about my world. Their sight blinded my sight and truth about who u are, and who you always were. I was the only one with you, I saw it, and then the last near decade i made myself forget it. I let myself live making u an antagonist. But you never stopped putting me before you, and i just decided that that was u trying to weaken me, to control me, to keep me down. Every saint action, every act of love, i excused and wrote off as malice. Thats how sick i am. I let myself believe lies from others about you, than what I SAW AND LIVED WITH U. But today I remembered what actually happened, and i cry for you. Because no one could ever love someone that much and i don’t deserve that.

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I’m starting to see my threads, and I can see yours too.

We’re all moved by these invisible tracks, and when we’re half aware– we call it God.

Maybe it is.

Recently, I’ve been studying names– what they mean and beyond meaning, what nakshatra is associated with each name.

Before I changed my name, I was under mrigashira.

That constellation is known for searching– and that’s exactly how the first half of my life went.

Then, when I graduated hs, I changed my name to coincidentally, a bharani nakshatra ruled name– my ketu.

I lived out those life themes and am still living them out.

I’m not trying to make my life mean this, this happens to be the only explanation for it. Your own name holds the map to your life.

But even knowing or not knowing, you’ll move on time along those tracks, because everyone does.

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Do you ever look at the person you are and wonder… how? 

How did you become this? 

Doomscrolling online, I saw this wannabe artist create using gravity. 

He suspends in the air, BOTH his canvas and a bucket of paint, and then he drops each— and guess what physics does?

When you attach a paint can to it and drop it in a circular motion, It paints a beautiful pattern.

Not just a beautiful pattern…

A pattern so perfect, our shaky hands could never attempt it…

And somehow, it would result with perfect lines every single time, the paint can only proved it by recording its tracked motion as it fell.

So why is he not an artist? 

Well because I have standards, you buy what you want.

Here’s the point, if physics operates so gently on that canvas and paint can, painting the most perfect patterns til it reaches the end, why do we think we move free of those very same forces?

How are you so certain, somethings not moving you and, does it matter if you move with it or resist? 

Still though, if you could see your canvas you might believe something else made it…. because you’re not much of an artist.

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Hell is a Bedroom 

When are you naked, if not alone? 

The places we withdraw to, we withdraw in. Its like we remake our wombs and bathe in our own fluids to recover from others. 

Is there such a thing as never leaving, what happens when a born person never borns? Never alives? Most people exist, and barely.

If Hell is a bedroom, heaven is outside my house? 

P.S. it’s 333am posting on 3.13.24 holy synchronicity

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Even Spinning, Happens Forward 

Two fingers on my temple call me psychic, but I think I see the sum total of what makes up your life.

Tell me if I’m close.

In YOUR LIFE– There’s the things you avoid and what you do to avoid them. And then there’s the things you want and chase and how you do it.

In between that cycle, you have to figure yourself out too. 

Was I right?

Look, point is you’re never actually stuck. 

Even when you feel stuck in yourself or with yourself, you’re not. Because the person asking the question or feeling the feeling, that’s the person who moves you.

All you have to do is walk the direction it pulls. 

So… keep spinning.

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I’m half lying with that title.

You don’t control events, and to control others– call it what it is, they have to be semi-complicit.

But YOUR life, how it COULD unfold– that is something you CAN shape.

We’re all writers, but most of us– lousy and unoriginal.

YOU WRITE your lifes story.

Deciding it’s trash, makes it so.

Deciding it’s working for you, makes it so.

But why decide?

Dude– you won’t win hating life. No one does.

And trust me, I love the negative, dark energy, me vs the world type shit, but….

it’s really only helpful for survival, not creation.

So if you’re trying to make something new,

to do something different,

to go somewhere you’ve never been,

The only thing to change- is the story you tell yourself.

My world was hostile because that’s all I wanted to see.

I weighed darkness more than light.

And living on some care bear cloud of softness is not what I’m after, but I’m just gonna give Life the middle finger, tell it to FUCK OFF when it’s being a little bitch,

and move like I’m the creator,

Because

I am.

And so are you.

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All things have an end.

But you come from death not creation.

You are from remains.

What’s left after death?

The thing that doesn’t.

You are what you’ve always been, just born again.

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To leave shore, you have to depart with land.

Everyone leaves for two reasons- to chase something better, or leave something behind. But the goal for all, is to leave.

Leaving isn’t about closing doors, it’s about walking through new ones.

When you’re out there,

with nothing but ocean,

it’s easy to forget which way is north.

And then there’s storms.

Storms are what test all the sailors, it ain’t personal.

You have to weather them to pass.

And to weather them, you have to move with chaos— but who can move with chaos? The one who is unmoved by their own.

Drop your anchor and no tide will pull you away.

Shake u? Sure.

Frighten you? Absolutely.

But move u? NEVER.

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Ever wonder why, when you don’t need to perform, when you don’t NEED at all, you’re able to do your actual best? I’m talking about the idk how I did that moments.

When you open your mouth from the outside, your words are deaf— they die mid flight before ever reaching the other person.

But go inside and talk from there, it all comes together for the moment.

This is what it means to create your potential.

It’s not something YOU shape. It’s something that you uncover— you allow to surface, and when it does, you try to remove all the illusion cast on that idea by your own flawed mind.

You’re not trying to make anything,

You’re moving out the way.

To uncorrupt yourself is to share your chaos– that’s REAL.

That will last.

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