Tag: passion

I fell into quicksand on a dumb hike…

and when I almost sank into another dimension, my life didn’t flash before my eyes.

Actually, my focus was sharpened.

Like an animal fighting for survival, everything other than my footing disappeared.

Just like that, no distractions. 

Quiet.

Focus.

Afterwards, I kept thinking about what a close friend said to me, about focus.

And after this 3 day break— I took action.

I edited my life.

I planned. 

Well… not really, BUT I looked at the next 5 years and what I’d need to do to accomplish my goals.

Annnnnd the verdict was in: 

I’m OFF TRACK. 

Basically— I’m “succeeding” but not moving at all. 

My current “wins” have nothing to do with what I want. 

There’s TOO MUCH going on and all of it has little to do with my specific dream. 

And why?

Because I lacked a singular vision to keep me on track.

Turns out, filthy rich on a beach isn’t specific enough to guide decision making, which left me being all over the place as usual. 

Scale isn’t the answer. 

Subtraction is.

Focus.

I have more than enough to sustain and build. 

My mistake was ADDING more. 

My new answer is to maintain what’s left, but build the actual dream— the singular thing I really want. 

Keep in mind:

If the pilot keeps parachuting, they’re on the wrong plane. 

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When it comes to lessons from art– the best movies & series have this one concept that always stands out. 

Basically, lame protagonist character who wasted their life gets a second chance, a do-over. 

They go back in time to whatever period of life they waddled through BUT now– with the wisdom of their future self, they go ALL-OUT. 

Suddenly, the circumstances they got hung up on before —don’t matter at all.

Not only that, but they’re leaning into every aspect of life without any reservations. 

What always happens- despite obstacles or their personality traits, they create a FAR BETTER LIFE. 

In their return-to-past, do-over phase, they become the popular expander. 

They improve everyones lives they come across and take on the role of the ego-less hero archetype. 

They have the WISDOM to know that most “problems” won’t last– so they don’t get hung up, stuck, overthinking, and aren’t self-contained. 

They don’t hold back. 

And it always got me thinking: Why can’t we just do that now, and pretend we’ve got the wisdom from our future selves? 

Well, not only can we– it’s actually the key to TRANSFORMING your entire life without changing anything. 

Attitude is what determines the quality of our lives, and not only that– it’s what determines our successes. 

The good life isn’t a condition needing to be met (making more money, changing cities, etc.). 

It’s just LEANING ALL THE WAY IN to the present, and you only do that with the knowledge of knowing this is all coming to an end. 

Think back to your youth, how you wasted it, how you fought over petty things, held grudges over insignificant issues, think back to what you’d do differently? 

Most of us rob ourselves every single day. 

We don’t say how we feel. 

We don’t go for it. 

We don’t tell that person we like them or take that new opportunity. 

We don’t step up or speak up. 

We throw ourselves in the background of the present, because we live in our fearful future focused minds. 

Instead, we should pretend.

Pretend we got a second chance, that this is our past and we returned to make it right– knowing we once messed it all up. 

Now, how will you play? 

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I’m not a fan of the “working for others” concept.

Never was.

I hate watching people sacrifice their individuality to jerk their bosses off and gargle whats left in front of their “peers” (omg they’re so ambitious… 🤢 🤮 ).

And for a long time I was a dumb, broke, social outcast– who hid behind the wantrepreneur idea because of this— and that wasn’t the right answer either.

Look–

climbing the 9-to-5 game after being an idiot for so long has definitely leveled me up, with skills and experiences and even socially.

So I won’t say it’s completely worthless, there’s some upfront value. 9-to-5s are the new college— but you gotta graduate sometime.

I was right:

CORPORATIONS ARE FOR ROBOTS.

I work with robots who think themselves people.

Sad part is, they imagine they’re innovative– every single one of them. They think they’re bringing something new to the table, and they’re stuck in that weird pimply life phase– where you can’t separate your ideas from who you are as a person…

… so any negative feedback has them gearing up for war (going to their work papa to snitch– manager).

Jobs create fearful environments, no matter the culture.

If you’re afraid of losing something, how can you be creative?

I get we can’t say literally whatever thought poptarts out of our mind– but not even the truth?

I’m not talking about politics, you anti-free speechers.

I’m talking about the CEO’s garbage ideas– or the partners disgusting attention whoring marketing tactics.

I can’t say– your writing doesn’t make any sense, these graphics look like they’re promoting porn print, and our “team-building” meetings are a weird collection of people holding their elbows just people watching.

What if I was hired to fix it?

Nope– it’s still got to be their idea.

Every single one of us needs to have something that can’t be taken– you should be RUTHLESS with it.

The truth is jobs are an easy escape. It’s nice to go somewhere, clock in/ clock out and not worry about hunting for a paycheck.

It’s nice… in the short term.

But the trade offs just aren’t worth it.

No role except the one you carve out for yourself– will let you be an individual. And the only way to be irreplaceable is to be an individual.

So, theres your answer.

You can like what you have, you can hate it– but know that you don’t really have anything. So you might as well commit to something you can own.

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We’re worthless, actually worthless.

The money we make, garbage we consume, time we waste— all for nothing.

Few of us are self sustaining.

We need.

Friends, family, distractions…

Not to be alone.

Not to be reminded how small we are.

We’ve got our “potential”

The most disgusting word in the english dictionary.

Potential is the fallback self esteem massage to disguise waste. You don’t need disguise.

You have nothing.

Realizing that is the BEST FUCKING THING you could ever do for yourself.

I am nothing. Not special, not chosen, and my life means absolutely fucking nothing to anyone— no one. The people who’d miss me are nobodys— we’re all nobodys who can’t even prove we exist. TF are you taking serious?

You have anxiety because you think something matters— not you?

Realize the gift.

You’re not a blank slate, but you’ve got open road.

Drive.

Only a nobody, only a nothing– CAN BECOME.

I CHOOSE to become.

I CHOOSE to build.

RID YOURSELF OF POTENTIAL AND WAKE UP TO LIFE

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My adulting has been semi-nihilistic and oddly liberating as a result.

I went from wanting it all and believing in more (as a kid I talked to the sky– #chosenONE shit), to not giving AF and being fulfilled by simpler pleasures: materialism.

Let me explain.

I wanted the personal “why” and I REALLY wanted the big ol’ grandiose “purpose.”

Well… I didn’t really want it, but I liked the idea that my greatness was the answer to this fucked up planet.

AND Damn did I love the idea of everyone having a special calling, something greater to serve, to commit to— ya know, fate and shit.

But those things just don’t move me anymore.

I went down all of those rabbit holes, the ones that were hokey woo-woo, the more concrete scientific and the “laws of universe” bullshit and I can tell you this:

NONE OF IT is the answer.

There is no answer.

It’s all just a bunch of motivational bullshit to convince you to get off your ass and do something.

The truth is, there is no fate.

Theres your start, your end, and the shit sandwich in the middle.

This probably sounds harsh, maybe a little depressing even, but it shouldn’t—because the greatest joys in life don’t come from glamour and illusion, but unplanned surprises and obstacles.

It’s the detours that make the adventure, not the mapped out trip.

We all fall for this idea that we need fixing, we need course-correcting. It’s cool to blame society and fuck it, I’m not above it either– this one is society.

Who the hell said being broken is bad? What the hell does fixed look like? Probably those weirdo-wired up never eating sugar entrepreneur types.

If you like something, do more of it. If you don’t, don’t.

But don’t convince yourself there is some “reason” behind the madness of your life. There isn’t.

This shit is what it is, and yeah– it likes to play unfair.

Match it if you feel inclined, but don’t submit.

It aint that deep, just MOVE.

#Fools

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The e-learning market size is expected to hit one trillion dollars before 2030— so you mf’s are LOST.

Even when you have the answers, you want different answers, better answers, to then sit and do more of nothing with.

I’m guilty of it too.

Who doesn’t want to believe in more? It’s fun to think the stars decide our fate and this is all somehow part of the process.

Maybe theres truth to it. Or maybe you’re just slowly rotting away believing in absolute gobbledygook.

Either way, you should stop listening to other people.

NO ONE gets what they want following others, even if this “guru” is reading your unique personality type, even if theres truth to what they’re saying, you have to follow yourself.

The risk of pursuing the good life is letting go of certainty.

That’s the real reason we like all this personality psychology bullshit so much.

Who doesn’t want fame, wealth, and a life of pleasure? Anything that confirms that is HARD to not follow….

…but nothing can, and deep down everyone knows it.

That’s why we’re all restless, binging series, consuming media nonstop.

You don’t want to sit and feel it.

REAL PAIN is right there, when you realize you’re wasting life.

But there’s good news, its not hard to gain a completely different (& better) life.

I wasted YEARS believing, but it only took a couple dedicated months of action to jumpstart an entirely new career, life, etc.

It’s ironic.

If you knew your fate, you’d never fulfill it. Not because it’s awesome or tragic, but because by knowing, you lose the exploration and that’s the point of it all anyway.

The fact that you want a destination is proof you’re living in the wrong movie.

So, stop with the input.

Move around. Try shit. Explore.

Play the game instead of watching players, and eventually, you’ll have something better than your daily horoscope description.

#FoolFwd

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Sit and wait for fate and you lose everything…

It’s in every single one of us— the need to look up at the stars.

At heart, we’re all believers and round and round we go into believing whatever “thing” offers us peace.

From a fat man invading your house in December to the idea that life happens more than once, it doesn’t matter.

We need to believe.

But this does come with disadvantages, turns out, believing isn’t so harmless. Actually, it’s what decides the entire trajectory of your life.

Here’s how I see it:

Believe in fate and you default to whatever life decides to hand you or create your own legend and watch reality bend to you.

I used to obsess with my destiny– thinking about why I’m here, what’s my purpose, what am I called to do? I grew miserable AF thinking about this shit and not so ironically, the more I thought about it– the larger the gap between me and whatever it was I thought I wanted.

Following that, I went through my nihilistic goth phase– where everything felt meaningless because I wasn’t the special chosen one my mom led me to believe.

Somewhere between bouncing from hope and despair, the aftertaste of wisdom kicked-in and then I realized its whatever the hell you decide.

Whether there is or isn’t something out there for you is entirely irrelevant, your job is direction not destination.

You need to focus on MOVING.

Not tomorrow, today.

Where you go actually doesn’t matter, just that you are going. Something always turns into something more, but nothing guarantees no more or less than what you started with… nothing.

The point is: too much of YOU doesn’t help you much.

Quit obsessing over me, me, me and refocus on where me oughta be. That’s how you get somewhere you’d rather be.

The choice is always YOURS.

If nothings worked out, make some new mistakes. Try something radically different, forget yourself for a year and “act as if”

You’ll be surprised where it’ll take you and at least you won’t be where you began.

#FOOLSWALK

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“Trust your gut”

Bet you’ve heard that a lot, and looking back, sure– there were tons of times it was almost psychic like how true it ended up being.

But relying on your gut gets tricky, for one, it’s not something you can summon in times of need.

Ever notice when you’re feeling poopy– tired, overworked, apathetic, you can’t just go “C’mon dammnit, GUIDE ME HIGHER SELF” ?

I mean you could, but that rumble isn’t a sign of anything beyond you needing a snack break.

The problem with the gut– intuition, knowing without knowing, the problem with all of it is it’s unreliable.

Not just with its inconsistency, but at times (if not most times) it’s completely wrong.

Let me explain that for a sec–

I consider myself pretty intuitive. To this day, I still get the unexplainable dreams followed by deja vu moments, the itchy palms before a payday, and the ringing of the ears before a phone call.

On top of that, I’ve always been a believer of the weird.

I don’t know, maybe my ancestors played with spells or maybe we all have this voodoo juju crap in our dna– but when it comes to the material world, this shit is useless and you should leave it fast.

What they don’t tell you about the gut– it hurts more than it helps.

Human beings need reasons, and a lot times, thats what that gut is… a reason, an excuse, usually something to justify the stupid action we’re about to commit.

“I woulda bit my tongue, but they needed to know that was stupid…”

I’m all for adding spice to life. The unexplainable is cool but it has its place, where a lot of us get stuck is we start believing TOO much, and as result– we limit our own free will.

If I believe I’m meant to be a movie director, I close myself off from other options– ones that might be (and in this case are) more suited for me.

If my gut (or delusional brain) play this same recurring fantasy where I live in hollywood hills, race a porsche around the midnight streets of LA, and do big money deals– I’m inclined to ONLY want that.

You want it, but is that what’s right for you?

Given your actual personality and who you are, is that you?

See, I’ve since learned that I only wanted the fantasy not the actual thing. Because in my free time, am I learning about directing? Shit No. Am I making movies? I exist in commercial breaks. But I want it for some reason? Yeah—- you want the ESCAPE.

That’s your gut.

If you want to get ahead, live a life that actually has meaning to you– forget all that legacy bullshit, you have to lift the veil.

We’re all under it.

We’re all intuitive, believers of something more, we all desire better lives.

But the only way to get it is to understand your everyday existence comes from you not for you.

You made this, and the only way to get out and unstuck is to change. Before you can change, you need to see what you’re like.

Why you do the things you do, who the hell are you?

Because if you want success, you’ll need to match your nature, with the right nature.

An environment that rewards who you are.

More on that later, till then–

#FOOLFWD

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Before you write this off as some click-baity guru advice… hear me out. 

Everyone wants the same thing– we just look for it differently. If you walked into a psychic shop right now and then asked the wise old seer, “hey, how often do you get asked the same bunch of questions?”  

The answer would probably be: OFTEN…. Wanna reading? 

Anywhose–  

We all want love, fulfillment, money (more or less), and success… really, we all want more life. 

But LIFE, compared to our self-medicating HBO binges, hardly ever holds up to fantasy. And today in our oh-so-remote and lonely lives, it’s reeeeeally boring. 

Your movie somehow became a commercial break, on repeat. 

Is that what you wished for growing up? 

What if all you had to do was add one small shift into your daily routine, and by changing this– every aspect of your entire life would improve? 

You’d be more in the moment, be the center of all the action and fun, and naturally attract awesome opportunities and experiences. 

Well, I’ve found it– the one thing and it isn’t as difficult as re-aligning your chakras. 

It’s far more simple: 

Become Ship-burners and Master the Art of the Restart. 

Searching for passion led me to moving around a lot– chasing the dream. I tried virtually everything, literally everywhere: directing, writing, acting, sales, marketing, production, music, then back to I’m-Lost-WTF-should-I-commit-to!!?  

Instead of finding my one true love (career-wise) I found an odd habit that I’ve since adopted as a way of life.  

Movement. 

Back to what it means to be a ship burner. 

See, life moves on with or without you, and whatever you pursue there is no guarantee your wishes will come true, so you have to maximize the fun and joy out of each and every moment. 

And to do that, you need to make one mindset shift: Radical acceptance of the present. If all you had was right now, you’d operate a lot differently.  

For one– You wouldn’t feel guilty about that second muffin you ate, you’d already be onto the next thing.  

I don’t think any of us like racing home and vegging on the couch, we do it because we don’t know what to do. But if instead of knowing what our calling was, we had to do our own extracurriculars, we’d instead get our fun from reality– literal, not virtual, AND as a result we’d have better lives. 

You have to be a ship burner. I don’t mean tell people off or burn bridges, I mean mentally get rid of, let go, expire your fantasy life because it’s robbing you of real life. 

If you want to do something eventually, just do it now. 

Do it because all we have is now. 

Burn the ships of fantasy and never be stuck on any island. 

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We’re all products of advertising and a lot of our spiritual hang-ups… well, they aren’t.

You’re not broken, you’re not stuck, you’re not without purpose but you are wrong– and the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can get to the starting line.

Dreams are bullshit.

And chasing dreams doesn’t end well.

Don’t confuse a child who’s been chasing becoming a pro baseball player their entire youth with yourself, who at 30, wants to go back to the idea of doing something creative… but having ZERO dedication to skills.

We mentally jerk off ideas and hold onto potential paths— maybe I’ll do this, or that, then the other thing.

That’s what it means to be a child: to have options.

Peter Pan doesn’t want to grow up because he fears losing options, but realize that to actualize any potential, you have to say NO to other potentials.

No one admires the 50 year old man-child, and theres tons of them.

Truth is, we’d all succeed if we could stay the course– but to do that, your dreams need to die.

You have to pick a lane, and choose to become the person who stays in that lane. If you want to actualize, this is how it’s done.

There is no finding a special calling, or being so in love with your craft-upfront.

Pick an interest and stick. Learn it, practice it, evolve with it.

My dreams died and left me with goals.

And you know what?

It’s way more fulfilling than neverland ever was.

#FoolFwd

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The only point of all the stupid self improvement content out there is to help you see the bubble you operate under.

All of us have our personalities and weird ways of looking at things, but the things that make us who we are– we don’t even see.

And it’s this that colors our reality: our perception creates the genre of our life.

So, it’d make sense that if one wanted to change genres– from shitty, stupid, boring life, to something more action-packed, they’d go about it by changing their perception.

Well… I don’t think so.

I’m sure gratitude does help. Cool, you love your mom, family, this, that, and the other things.

But all this tip toeing around the thing doesn’t lead to accomplishing the thing.

DEW IT.

No, not like nike. I mean if you want something to change, change that thing directly. This mindset crap is overrated. Gratitude? Overrated.

Yeah, you should improve those things… but not in order to get the change you want, that’s stupid.

That’s like wanting to grow out my hair, so I speak affirmations to my locks hoping it happens.

I’m aging into a grump, and I’m only 28.

But the way I see it, it’s simple: nothing, literally nothing, matters. And everyone says it, people tattoo it, but few live by it.

I’ve been growing restless because while I don’t know what I want to do with my life, I know I don’t want this.

Being ambitious and undecided is painful AF.

We can remove some of the soreness by movement.

So, time for an adventure– a side mission.

I don’t know where I’ll be, but I WONT BE HERE.

#FOOLON

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This is a letter to my big-headed self, so probably useless to anyone who experiences imposter syndrome…

… but here it is: if you keep lingering on “purpose” and find yourself virgin-ing away your days til you find the one, I’ve got a helpful tip—

Go have S$X instead.

Because Knight and Shining Calling doesn’t ever ring, or tinder, or whatever… you get the metaphor, hopefully.

Take it from someone possessed by the idea, If you believe you have some pre-defined calling, you’ll end up wasting your life all because you keep second guessing every possible opportunity to take.

You end up floating fearfully, achieving nothing, and delusionally hanging on to the fact that your absent father may come back from the store to take you to the game…. only now it’s weird, because you’re hairy and old.

My point is this– if there is a unique purpose for you and you are in fact the chosen one, it’s not going to just pick you up from your house and chauffeur you to greatness.

Purpose or not, this game is powered by a single battery: Momentum.

And to get the momentum needed to live a good life, maybe not how you define it, but way better than what you have now, you need focused action.

The way to do this is simple…

DIVORCE.

Split up from the idea that you need the love of your life.

Let’s be scientists just for a second and look at the data– if waiting around for that special someone is the right move, why are you single and have been for years?

I got ahead in life when I developed skills…. that I didn’t love, just did it for the purpose of GETTING AHEAD.

Forget the stars, fortunes, and whatever else tells you somethings coming.

It isn’t.

You wanna find a great life, make it. Literally, keep taking opportunities, job hop, do a dare, try shit, leave, keep moving– the only rule is not to stop.

If you want a purposeful life, exorcise the angel on your shoulder whispering you sweet nothings.

Forget your purpose to find it.

#FoolForward you hopeless romantics 😉

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A fortune teller called me and warned me– she said, “this crystal ball shows you’re smart, but never trust it…

Delusion; often disguised as a dream or a goal– but what separates it is it’s ability to remove you from reality.

And I’ve been far removed.

Do you have a single calling?

We read about success stories from famous authors, athletes, and entrepreneurs– and this makes the dream seem less sleepy… as if, you too, right where you are, have what it takes.

But we don’t read from the failed authors, or hear from the people who have been trying to make it in Hollywood since they were children, or the athletes who couldn’t recover– they all worked hard too, they sacrificed, but they didn’t make it.

Most don’t make it because they’re playing the wrong game.

My answer to the fortune teller– I said, “Fond of myself as I am, I don’t buy into things that could destroy me.”

I believe we each have callings, I’ve always believed that– but if you keep looking at the caller ID anticipating one area code, you’ll miss the opportunity.

The secret to success isn’t an aim, it’s not a destination, it’s you– nature meeting nature. It’s a relationship and it has to be mutual.

The truth is, you have to figure out where and how your traits could yield you success.

There is nothing to find.

Everyone will tell you to change, to work on yourself, to be better… advice equivalent to “don’t have cancer.”

If 50 million people say something foolish, it’s still foolish.

Be your own #1 fan, and give up on stupid callings. Chase your definition of success, do it your way– all the way.

#StayFoolish

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If you’re unsure of which train to get on, you’ll sit at the station forever.

I’m not in a rut, but on the other hand, it could easily turn into that if I don’t get up out of this stagstation.

Ever wonder how stuck-ness happens?

I think it goes something like– you do the damn things you’re supposed to, day in and day out, promising yourself you’ll get out soon. You just have to reach a certain number, goal, or whatever– then you’ll leave.

But you never look for an exit.

You feel tired and thinking of starting over is even more exhausting (especially since you don’t have a clue where to go).

The trains all look the same so you start to wonder is there a point to hopping? Am I going to ride random rides forever?

I did the jumping around thing.

I did the chasing random flights of fantasy, starting over, quitting prematurely, moving states, going from thing to thing.

Maybe this next level doesn’t require changing rides.

Maybe when we get to where we are right now, the only thing we’re supposed to do is build our own arch. If you’re feeling anything similar– it could be that the reason we don’t find something better, is we don’t want this but ALL over again.

If you look, that’s what you’ll get.

You’ll get this, but slightly better. Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there is something completely awesome and you just have to find it.

But that would make all the new data coming out coincidental.

Like how today, most don’t keep a job beyond 2 years.

Most can’t retire.

Most can’t live on their own, or invest, or do fun shit.

I don’t ever stop looking, neither should you but it’s safe to say we’ll need something we can take with us.

Something that’s light to pack and goes everywhere.

If you feel empty, you need to refuel and waiting to that works against you. So, fuck it– let’s build something.

Talk later, #FoolFwd

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It’s human nature to want more.

One boring day– and the mind’s eye takes off dreaming up better movies with richer adventures.

Then you have gurus telling you to chase those dreams and some of you will. But most will just chase them mentally, cheat on life every day– just by holding onto fantasy.

So you’re never really here and never really there.

The great in-between.

And if that’s the case– it’s better not to dream.

Dreams, not goals, have only led to bullshit in my life. Since you think you ought to be doing something else, you don’t fully do anything– and fully doing is how you unlock a better life.

My highlight reel, the best moments of my life, were when I was locked in the present.

If this was all you had, you’d leverage way more of it.

It’s easy to look at other people. It’s lazy, and it’s escapism. We do it because we’d rather be somewhere else. But this is all you have and the only way to make it more is to embrace it beyond what you feel comfortable doing.

You don’t need anything else.

Your life, with very minor changes, can be so much more. But you have to embrace it. I want to see where this year goes, if I lived like that.

Here’s an easy experiment to try for the rest of 2022:

If you couldn’t escape, how could you make what you have in front of you–awesome?

I’m going to lean all the way in.

I’ll let you know how it goes…

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Lost your way?

My sister sends me these facebook milestone photos on the regular. You know the ones, “hey, here’s the two of you sitting on a tree 2 years ago– today.”

They’re completely worthless and dumb, but looking at them does remind you of life passing you by as you vegetate through the motions of the “daily grind.”

And then it got me introspecting.

I was a real idiot.

If entitlement was a person, it lived somewhere inside me (ha– you though I’d identify with it but #stillcocky).

I didn’t understand the concept of moving with life, and I think a lot of people get this wrong. If you just rolled with it, you’d naturally, almost by coincidence, carve out a path for yourself that you enjoyed.

But that’s not what most of us will do.

Instead, you’ll complain. Talk about why shit is bad and you can’t change. Why you need certain conditions met before you do the thing, blah-blah-blah.

It’s what I did.

The real question is where do you get returns and why the hell would you leave that?

Not even the most gifted among us can do anything. Anything? Like tomorrow you think you could be an astronaut– chill out Captain Crunch, your own life is a mouthful to chew and you want to bite off more?

Sometimes you just want a break.

You need time to not be yourself.

You need days to flow.

For every time I got serious, I got failure.

It’s like some kind of guaranteed law. As soon as you think you’re a big deal and your life is a big deal, abracadabra– you’re a loser.

As far as I know, theres only one way to succeed:

Embrace every aspect of life, starting where you are.

#Foolfwd

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From the outside, it looks like I’ve got it together.

I have a promising career, the freedom I used to wish for, I’m not rich (yet) but have enough to adventure where-ever, and best of all– I have options.

Something I didn’t even know was a top priority back then.

Options might be above any dreams I could ever have, especially in terms of goals– but more on that later.

I can go anywhere from here, BUT there’s one problem… I’m still me so I’m stuck circling the block.

I thought if I had certain things, I’d be good. I figured the restlessness and boredom came from me missing these things and that it’d disappear as soon as I started living my life. Instead the mind just picks another target to chase as soon as you reach whatever you wanted and you…

… run after it.

Don’t write this off as healthy or unhealthy ambition.

It isn’t ambition at all.

This is impulsivity.

It’s boredom.

An uncontrollable brain function ghost busting phantoms.

And the real issue here is how do you make goals, how do you get ahead in life or become more than you are if you can’t trust yourself?

Goals are what develop us, and mine cause me to lose touch with everything that brought me success.

So should I not have a life of passion and fun?

That can’t be the answer.

It’s more than the grass always being greener, its like enjoying porn more than actual sex. You like dreams more than real life, and when the dream is real– you find another dream to cheat with.

The most bizarre thing about it is knowing it’s not real, but falling for it anyway… every single time, without fail.

I love California when I don’t live there— but as soon as I visit, my mind is back home– and I’m obsessing over how much better what I have is, and how the hell this shithole ever occupied my mind?

Then I get back home, aaaaaand Cali dreaming plays all over again.

It’s like I only like it when it’s not mine.

Not sure if thats true but that’s how it looks.

For the last year and a half, I’ve been trying to figure out a productive way to use this energy/ personality trait. Pretending it away or “not identifying” with it only leads to more aggressive decision making.

Trying to copy others who don’t have it leads to failure.

And those who seemingly DO have it and succeeded, can’t be copied because they haven’t conquered it.

So can’t live with it or without it.

That leaves one thing– you have to funnel it and the only thing I have is what’s right in front of me.

This isn’t about change, it’s about leverage.

If you want to succeed, you have to learn to leverage what you’re like and what game you’re most likely to win.

That’s where I’m at with it.

My career, my craft, the path before me.

I’ve got to train myself to DUMP this restlessness into my work.

If I don’t use it, it’ll use me.

It’s no different for you.

Remember– theres nothing wrong with your design, you’re just not using it right.

#FoolFwd

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