From the outside, it looks like I’ve got it together.
I have a promising career, the freedom I used to wish for, I’m not rich (yet) but have enough to adventure where-ever, and best of all– I have options.
Something I didn’t even know was a top priority back then.
Options might be above any dreams I could ever have, especially in terms of goals– but more on that later.
I can go anywhere from here, BUT there’s one problem… I’m still me so I’m stuck circling the block.
I thought if I had certain things, I’d be good. I figured the restlessness and boredom came from me missing these things and that it’d disappear as soon as I started living my life. Instead the mind just picks another target to chase as soon as you reach whatever you wanted and you…
… run after it.
Don’t write this off as healthy or unhealthy ambition.
It isn’t ambition at all.
This is impulsivity.
It’s boredom.
An uncontrollable brain function ghost busting phantoms.
And the real issue here is how do you make goals, how do you get ahead in life or become more than you are if you can’t trust yourself?
Goals are what develop us, and mine cause me to lose touch with everything that brought me success.
So should I not have a life of passion and fun?
That can’t be the answer.
It’s more than the grass always being greener, its like enjoying porn more than actual sex. You like dreams more than real life, and when the dream is real– you find another dream to cheat with.
The most bizarre thing about it is knowing it’s not real, but falling for it anyway… every single time, without fail.
I love California when I don’t live there— but as soon as I visit, my mind is back home– and I’m obsessing over how much better what I have is, and how the hell this shithole ever occupied my mind?
Then I get back home, aaaaaand Cali dreaming plays all over again.
It’s like I only like it when it’s not mine.
Not sure if thats true but that’s how it looks.
For the last year and a half, I’ve been trying to figure out a productive way to use this energy/ personality trait. Pretending it away or “not identifying” with it only leads to more aggressive decision making.
Trying to copy others who don’t have it leads to failure.
And those who seemingly DO have it and succeeded, can’t be copied because they haven’t conquered it.
So can’t live with it or without it.
That leaves one thing– you have to funnel it and the only thing I have is what’s right in front of me.
This isn’t about change, it’s about leverage.
If you want to succeed, you have to learn to leverage what you’re like and what game you’re most likely to win.
That’s where I’m at with it.
My career, my craft, the path before me.
I’ve got to train myself to DUMP this restlessness into my work.
If I don’t use it, it’ll use me.
It’s no different for you.
Remember– theres nothing wrong with your design, you’re just not using it right.
#FoolFwd
Comments are closed.