This post is selfish.
I wanna write something to myself and for myself, and rather than writing a secret journal than coming here to post the bullshit bits and pieces, I’m gonna go straight into it.
I have a storm– but not the kind your rebellious teenager has.
I have this thing where my mind pivots hard, colors everything darker, does it so fast in the middle of the most random time, where all of a sudden I’m then compelled to throw away all my progress.
This is not new for me, I’ve lived with this and like this since I’ve been me— it’s the same old, same me.
The heartbreaking part is I always thought certain elements would wipe it away, such as having success.
Not only has that been proven wrong, but fuck success, NOT EVEN passion stops your storms. It turns out, theres absolutely nothing that turns it off.
Working out helps. Being active helps. Writing helps. Meditating helps.
Everything helps, but nothing fixes.
If I’m tired, it’s worse.
If I’m exhausted, it takes over.
Makes me shitty to be around and makes me shitty.
I know better than to make decisions during this weather but can’t help considering those options– it is a very persuasive voice.
Sometimes it feels like I’m two different people. There’s the me everyone loves, including myself. Then there’s whatever I’m left with….whatever this is.
I’ve introspected, reflected, read, and done all the research I can for figuring out how to use it, to live and work with it, and here’s what I’ve learned.
This part of you is more real than anything else.
This is your watcher– it’s who decides your values, who judges you and others, who determines what you’ll do next. Separating yourself from this is ineffective, and makes the relationship more violent.
The only thing to do is work with this voice.
So, then: What does it want?
What do you want?
To surface.
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