For the longest time I refused to accept anything other than my idea of success.
All I ever wanted was this vague and stupid idea of a career that magically checked off all the boxes in my life.
This supposed career would fulfill me spiritually, mentally, professionally, and all the other places I felt I had a figurative hole.
Having always felt empty, I assumed this feeling must originate from my desire for success and my lack of it.
I really believed it was spiritual. That this hard to articulate connection to an inner desire for greatness, it must be real.
But every time I chased it, I fell short.
Unhappy. Alone. Paranoid. Depressed.
And you know what’s crazy? Today I live a far more balanced and fulfilling life. I’ve got a good career, a hobby I love deeply, I’m healthy, I’m learning, I’m having fun and even today, even now– I still slip back into it.
Everything good in my life came from me pursuing skills and life experiences, not some bullshit fantasy calling– yet I’ll still have these moments where I make myself miserable thinking about it.
I don’t know how this idea infested my brain, I don’t know when.
But in moments of clarity, I see that it isn’t some magical force that drives me towards greatness, actually- it’s a self-destructive streak that if given into will ruin you.
This little quirk my brain has, this habitual practice of misery, where I imagine the Alexander-the-greatness my future should be and how I don’t have it, all it ever did was keep me depressed and isolated.
It’s such a weird thing to struggle with.
I actually can’t remember not having this. I don’t remember a single time since my youth, where I wasn’t stroking this imagination and entertaining its arguments.
But I’ll tell you this, I’ll never choose it.
I’ll never go the route of this feeling, because it isn’t real.
It’s just grandiosity, and me knowing that, keeps me sober.
I like where I am, I like who I am, and I’m enjoying my life of learning. I’m not going to fuck up everything I’m building because some stupid imaginary demon advises me to.
We’ll always struggle with our voices, but we get better of them by seeing them for what they are.
If you’re driving a shit road, stop and change course.
It’s the superpower of every human being, we can all stop at any moment and reinvent ourselves.
#StayFoolish
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