Month: April 2024

I waited for an invitation that never came, and the only time I was invited was when I pretended to have been. That’s the actual game of life. Nothing happens for real, until you make up your mind. “Make up” means decision, but also illusion. That’s the world. It’s all just the makeup you wear and the makeup you remove. Remove the worlds face to get yours. Only when you believe the story in your head so much that you then act it out, the invitation comes, suddenly. Because she has to believe you, and the only way to get her vote is if you believe you. Then she’ll be fooled, after you are. And then you get it all.

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You’re bound and the contract is your body. You have a say in how you can best work the machine, but you don’t have a say in how the machine works. If you break your machine, you limit the machinists experience. For this to work– you and living your life, BOTH machine and player/ soul have to harmonize. You can’t be at war with your body, but you are every time you try to change it. To stand a chance you have to honor the contract because once it’s broken, you’re forced into a sub alternate reality where you can never have the powers gained from your past, because you deleted it. And things without a past have no future. Look, you might not be all the way doomed but you’re definitely hybrid, someone who’s insides and outsides forever battle because you created divorce where reconciliation was needed. And now your stuck living half of a whole. The only way to make peace, is to follow the instruction manual that came with the machine, but play as who you are in it, with it, as it, against it.

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People are like magnets drawn to the energy they’re compatible with. And not just what you like, but where ONE story allows for those characters to interact. That’s what they mean by your relationships reveal you, even the bad ones, you got that story for a reason- it’s because only that character wrestles with that other character. It’s like we’re all pulled into stories that, whether positively charged or negative– develop us. Life is just a series of genre skipping, as you age in and out of your body. And then onto the next. The mirror isn’t your reflection, the mirror is reality.

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Everyone is born into a necessary lie. The front and cover of your book. The cover holds the pages, the book, together. How the pages are bound is just as important as the pages themselves, if nothing holds you together— and in a necessary order, you’re just a buncha incomplete essays that no one reads. Just like nothing makes you have the desires that you do, It’s still true you can corrupt a human and darken their light. Circumstances can absolutely drive you to evil. You’ll just lie to yourself about it, but you still could. So it’s important to keep your lines, your bind, the book that those pages are in, the integrity of the book itself intact. Your values have to be honest and you have to uphold them. Or the book is ruined. You came into a role and you’re supposed to play it – to write, read, edit, but fucking complete, finish YOUR book. And don’t rip out the pages dumbass, You’re supposed to just turn them. You’ll find the truth through the art that lives inside of you. 

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Don’t look too into your soul, but live outside of yourself –which literally means just be. Be who you are. Be what you are. Because even when you force out the insides —because you need to prove they exist, that won’t make them anymore real. You’ll feel exactly how you felt before because the urge to change is what needs to die but changing doesn’t qualify. It’s what doesn’t change that kills the need to keep changing. Connecting to your deepest roots, is your deepest self. We’re all dumb for changing in the first place- we shouldn’t interfere with our own development but the problem is we always do.

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No matter what you’re drinking it, but you’re allowed to swirl and smell it before you just down the whole thing. A lot of people emphasize how important it is to choose who we let into our lives and rightfully so, but they don’t talk enough about choosing your pain tolerance with those people. You get to choose your hurt. You can have the pain of truth or the pain of lies, but only one is good for you. You have to choose, you’ll choose everyday. You choose differently with different people. And that’s fair. But if you’re around the wrong people often, you choose deceit often, and if it’s often you’re there, Your pain is the wrong choice.

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I had to learn how to see. Because if you want a life that suits you- a true life, you have to become a true individual. That means wear your truth. If you’re against something and you hide it, what’s true for why you’re against it now hides from you. And then you fill that reason with a lie and live that out as true. And that’s how you become someone who self sabotages and crashes, you’re against the fake you. That’s why you work against yourself. The person who watches, hates the house they sit in. And how does that connect with listening first to then see? Because the only way to find your blind spots, the parts of you that you’re unaware about, is to reveal yourself to another person and hear what they have to say. They’ll do the same if they’re a real friend, and both of you learn to see, more and more. Til you can see with your ears and then everything is clear.

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We play the roles we’re casted in and if we play them well, we get to finish our movie. But the say you have isn’t over what happens, it’s whether you’ll speak. You can go against it and it’ll still happen, only without you there— you’ll miss the show because you’re auditioning for a different movie- but that’s someone else’s film. And you were cast to star in yours, but are instead critiquing the writer because you don’t like the plot. It’s so dumb how we so easily trade ourselves to be in the background of someone else.  

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I suffer a lot. But a lot less now. I used to try to change me through consumption, and that could NEVER work. You’ll only succeed in corrupting yourself. You’re not looking to make additions or edits to your human, you’re looking to clean your spirit. You have to unfilter your soul, you have to de-corrupt yourself. And the only way to do that is to get to know who’s underneath, who watches— because for most people, the person who watches isn’t the person who speaks, and that’s why they suffer. That’s why they’re caged, trapped, stuck like a genie in a bottle. You rub your own lamp hoping to feel the energy that lives inside it, but all you had to do was call it by name. If you want what you’re missing, get to know the missing parts.

Write you, to right you.

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Which part of it is a lie? What we believe, what we’re taught, or what we need to believe- in order to live? I don’t think any of it is “real” …. and think about this for a sec— one idea changes the life you live. Learning one idea, alters the entire genre of how you exist. A toxic positivity person, denies darkness. A toxic realist, denies magic. Both are true. Because life isn’t built on reality, it’s built on ideas. Ideas are something that start imaginary and by being fed continually, become real. That’s the lie that makes your life. So wouldn’t it be better to choose your lies wisely? 

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Years ago I had this dream, I followed this beautiful woman into these caves.

Her face was human, but her body was covered in black scales.

In the dream, I somehow knew she wanted to consume me— and part of me wanted that too, but I knew, even in the dream, I wouldn’t make it out if I let her.

So I escaped at the last second and woke up.

For years, I’d avoid the dark parts of my own psyche– I’d deny those parts of me. And the more I did that, the less control I had over it.

Eventually, I became only the body I lived as, but the person who lived in it wasn’t there. I was dead and didn’t know it.

So I wandered for years from thing to thing.

I thought it was career, or success, or maybe love, I didn’t know what I was looking for but eventually I ran into some good fortune and that led me back to her– right back into her cave.

When I started my writing career– that was deeply connected to who I am as an individual, so it lit a small candle in the void– that was enough to see direction.

The more I created and used skills tied to who I was as a person, the more strength that stranger gained, and without me being aware, that person finally took over.

And then I had to make a choice, let myself be eaten and see what emerges or live the rest of my life as an image– not living or dead.

I turned around and surrendered.

I walked right into the abyss.

And she took me.

When I died, something else was born– it was me but more than me, more than what I used to be.

I spent my whole life running from my own power, because I was afraid of ghosts.

But what haunts you only does so, because you’re unfamiliar. The truth is, it’s what you’re afraid of that holds everything you’re looking for.

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Pause your opinions and follow me for a sec.

Here’s something weird you’ll notice–

some people have a hard time getting / keeping a job.

some people have a hard time getting / keeping a relationship.

some people have a hard time getting / keeping good health.

But all people have THEIR own “hard time”

—Why tho?

Why is my hard time a big deal for me but easy for you?

Why is your hard time a big deal for you but easy for me?

KETU.

I’m white girl blaming astrology, but it wouldn’t matter what you call it– some say it’s karma, others say it’s God, idiots call it random, but labels don’t matter here.

The point is, your brand of chains only lock for you and there is a reason for that.

Listen to what I’m saying to you because I’ve never seen this not true.

You’re not supposed to escape prison, you’re supposed to DUE YOUR TIME.

Here’s why– I’ll use an example I’ve seen in “fictional” astrology.

But real quick, a definition- Ketu is your spiritual body, it’s what you know without knowing, what you come from. But it’s also what we’re cut from, where we’re removed, where our chains lock.

Ketu in the 4th house, might make someone cut from their roots, ancestry, family, HOME. This person will desire the opposite of what they’re cut from, career (because rahu- desires, is in the 10th house). They will think to keep chasing career, avoiding the thing they don’t give a shit about– home.

But the irony is, without their ketu, without due-ing their time, they won’t succeed.

Because they don’t have the powers they need in order to achieve the thing they desire.

If you want to be a writer, you need to write, but before that– you need a story worth telling. Well your story isn’t in your pursuit, it’s in your struggle, which for this person would be– in the HOME.

Sit in your prison and ask a different question:

This is my hard time– I’m always locked by this, so then, when I finally face it, WHAT IS IT TRYING TO TEACH ME?

answer that.

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The best part about being weird is you’re less likely to blend in. That means outsider treatment weirdo. And when you’re shunned from the world– you’re forced to learn about yours. You’re less likely to fall into the traps of others. You’re less likely to do a job that kills you for 50 years and yeah, this will also be the reason life is harder for you. But that means eventually the life you live is exactly made for you because others never let you into theirs. So when you feel left out keep in mind, there are things you pray to never be included. 

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Thank you for my suffering.

I didn’t believe in anything. But my suffering made me a believer. It made me a thinker. It forced me to learn about who I am when I have nothing, when I am NOTHING.

For a long time people couldn’t reach me, I wanted someone to come find me and pull me out. But they couldn’t reach deeper inside than I could, and I couldn’t. Life would be so easy if I could stop making this sacrifice.

I sacrifice job, relationships, money, and freedom, to return to my sentence. To cook myself in a room, and walk my circles of hell.

And what do I gain from my visits? My soul is renewed— Every. Single. Time.

It’s bad, it’s just as bad as they said it would be. It burns. I like pain, and still its nearly unbearable. But each time you endure it, you become something more than before.

And you become hotter than the flame they torched you with. And that heat becomes the pulse you measure your life by. I don’t know if it’ll ever end, but don’t assume the person they punish is the same person who wears the scars.

It never is.

You’re nothing without your storms. You’re nothing without enduring your suffering. That’s why you have it. That’s why it’s for you.

Will you accept the gift that is your suffering?

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You have to walk through each door, you can’t avoid the hallways and rooms if you expect to leave.

So how do you leave?

You have to face what’s in each room.

How you face it is up to you. Use whatever gives you courage. But wearing only your face – you have to face it.

Then when you face everything else, it won’t mask you. And when it can’t do that, hell can’t hold you.

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