Month: October 2023

God, this is as close to prayer as I can get (long form) without sounding like a self absorbed idiot stuck looping. I was wrong.

I was WRONG. I obsessed over everything BUT what was real– how it looked, sounded, what people might think of me, my family, what they might decide.

I didn’t even live.

I was too scared of being judged to live, like a coward, fraud. So it makes sense that my own obsessions carved out my sentence.

My desire became my punishment.

My image became the portrait that trapped me inside.

I effectively made a sick human being. I lived for how I MIGHT LOOK to the world rather than who I could be in it.

I so badly wanted to become my own image— but all the way to now facing the age of 30, I surrender.

I’m leaving it to you. I surrender trying to control how I look, sound, come off, could be. I surrender giving a fuck about my image. I surrender trying to control how and what others see.

From here on, I live inside OUT. No more “editing” appearances. I’m done keeping up with trends. I will follow my own rules, desires, ambitions, and goals. I’m unplugging and moving towards the light— which in this case, is the truth.

What is true about MY LIFE?

I guess I’ll find out.

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Call me a psychopath, but I don’t feel bad lying.

And actually, I never did.

Despite what my naive 2nd grade teacher used to say, lying has more short-term benefits than telling the truth, and nearly always.

If I don’t want to open any can-of-worms with talking mouth in front of me, DUH, It is more advantageous to give whatever response pushes mr conversation prober away.

Which is usually a lie.

That said, lying is what ruined my life, led me to being a depressed failure, OH– and goodie, it’s the reason I chased everyone else’s life but my own because lying divorces you from your own self identity.

But more on that later.

Lying is hiding.

Fuck morals. Fuck the other person.

Who cares about being one of the good guys in a world full of GREY.

All I’m saying is tell the truth to save yourself. Because here’s what happens when you lie.

What is a lie?

Deception. And to deceive means to mirror more than to project, it means to mimic, copy, blend in, HIDE what is true– in order to go undetected or unnoticed, and pass on through.

To lie, means to swallow YOUR TRUTH (yourself) TO make the other bigger, in order to “pass. “

And then wanna know what kind of life this gets you?

Your friends only like your public image, so the second you want to be vulnerable or real- you can’t, because they’ll either reject you or not want to see you this way. Your job has a character too, bare-minimum-man, guess what they do?

But if your friends are fake, your job is fake, your image is fake, when and where do you get to be you?

And that’s what hurts most people and they can’t even see it.

They hate that they’re not the face they wear.

It’s so much better just to tell the fucking truth.

At least then, when someone does see you— They’re really LOOKING at you.

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